An Accidental Love Story: Part 4

A Christmas Love Story

When they first matched and were trying to figure out what the other was looking for Dakota mentioned wanting to hangout about once a week. Sara pumped the breaks on that, saying she was married with a kid and doesn't necessarily have that much time. Probably more like every other week. Dakota had no issue with this.

She pretty much immediately started asking for way too much time though? She wanted to hangout with Dakota once a week solo and also hangout as a group once a week. Dedicating two days a week to them pretty much meant they would be our only social interaction, Dakota is not extroverted enough to want to also see our regular friends on top of that. She didn't want me to see Ryan more often than she was seeing Dakota, which was annoying. We had more compatible schedules with each other and I'm also more extroverted, I don't mind socializing. So now I'd have to wait for their schedules to line up and have a date before I could see Ryan. She spent EIGHT hours with Dakota one Saturday and when I grabbed lunch with Ryan on my break for an hour the following Tuesday those things were somehow equal in her mind. I couldn't see him again until she saw Dakota again. And I put up with this because I really did enjoy spending time with him. I was grateful for all of the time we did get.

One day I was supposed to see Ryan but that morning she'd been caught texting some guy she wasn't supposed to. Neither of them wanted to share a lot of details with us but knowing what I know now, him being upset about this seemingly innocent thing (within the realm of non-monogamy) makes more sense than it did at the time. He decided we shouldn't see each other that day since they were fighting and he didn't want to make things worse. I was annoyed but I understood. Shortly after he canceled she texted me telling me to go over despite his objections. He was in a bad mood so I should cheer him up. Red flag. I told her I didn't feel like playing couple's counselor and I'm not there to fix whatever they had going on. She got upset and accused me of just using him for sex and not actually caring about him. In hindsight that tiff is extremely funny because we cared about each other too much and made her uncomfortable. But again, she's actually incredibly delusional and insane and just says whatever guilt trippy words come to mind in that very moment when she's not getting her way.

So not only did she make us all jump through scheduling hoops, and frequently ruin my plans with Ryan even after all the scheduling, she also wanted to bond more with me before she could feel comfortable with me sleeping with him. Okay? She immediately started sleeping with my husband, she encouraged me to sleep with hers, and only now is she telling me I have to be her best friend for all of this to work? Like, I was nice to her! We'd chat a bit when we all four hung out. I'd text her back when she texted me. But we just did not mesh and I really didn't know what she wanted from me.

Something else Dakota and I were both uncomfortable with is that she decided to spend the night one weekend when I was gone for a bachelorette party. I didn't love this idea but in the future (when we were closer, because this was way too early for all this) I wanted Ryan to be able to stay over when Dakota was out of town for business trips so I felt like I had to be fair. He didn't really want her to stay over but he was too nice to say that. We were confused by her whole "I'm married with a kid" spiel when she seemingly at every opportunity was leaving her spouse and child to spend time with my husband. I spent the weekend giving Ryan extra attention (via text) because I felt bad he was sleeping alone.

Although we were confused we chalked it up to everything just being new and exciting and figured she'd calm down and settle into a rhythm. Hahaha well we were wrong. She just became too much. For several weeks, maybe a month, Dakota tried to make it work mostly for my sake. He knew I liked Ryan and didn't want this to impact me. I told him over and over that he was obviously more important than Ryan, I needed him to be happy. Eventually I blew up at Sara in our group chat because Dakota was too polite to stand up for himself. I said that all three of us had been jumping through hoops to keep her happy. She was shocked and offended we all agreed, as if it was somehow news she was bossing us all around.

Dakota began replying to her messages slower and slower. He said he was really busy with work (which was true, but not the main reason he was replying like that) but she just could not get the message. At this point everything was still salvageable if she just gave him a little space. He just needed a breather. But instead she just got more suffocating. She's texting me asking what he's doing and if he's ignoring her. I never lie to her but I do give him every excuse in the book, "he had a meeting this morning, idk when it gets done." Or "he's been replying slowly today. He's pretty stressed with this project." I'm hoping these responses will make her understand she just needs to chill out and everything with be fine.

Instead of chilling out she shows up at our house unannounced to apologize in person... For being crazy... As if showing up at someone's house unannounced when they clearly don't want to talk to you isn't crazy. It for real never occurs to her that this is the exact opposite of what he's asking for.

This is when Dakota completely checks out. She's sending him nudes and he explains he's not really feeling sexy and he needs some time to get back in that headspace. She apologizes and then does it again the very next day.

At this point she's straight up harassing my husband. And I don't play about my husband. I will catch a murder charge for that man. I blow up at her again, essentially telling her to get lost. I accepted ahead of time that this almost certainly meant I couldn't see Ryan anymore. This all happened around Thanksgiving and we were all too busy with the holidays to see each other anyway, so I suggested he and I take a few days of no contact to reset and see how everyone was feeling. What I should've done is just cut everything off with both of them right there but you live and you learn.

By the end of the weekend I wanted to text him so badly. To my surprise, and I think his as well, Sara had agreed to let him keep seeing me while she looked for someone else to date. This next month between Thanksgiving and Christmas is what did me in. This is when I fell in love.

A new development in our dynamic (aka another red flag) is that he couldn't text me in the evenings because that was "family time." Lol. Wasn't a problem earlier when she was texting Dakota and I guarantee the 2-3 guys she saw in this period she was texting in the evenings but there's always a double standard for Ryan. So now I'm always looking forward to the days he's at work and can text later into the evenings. Dakota and I are going on vacation to Italy soon and I'm excited specifically for the fact the time difference means I'll get to text him at night before bed. Like that's so dumb. That was one of the things I was most excited about? Your girl was goneeee.

I remember when it first happened. It was one of the times we were hooking up at Ryan's house on my lunch break. He was inside my body and my soul and in that moment I had to catch myself from telling him I loved him. It felt very high risk, low reward and I didn't want to ruin the moment. When we were done we talked about any and everything like always and I considered saying it then. I didn't want to make him feel awkward and my pride couldn't risk him asking me to leave. Finally, when I needed to return to work and we were saying our goodbyes I hesitated. He started to close the door but paused, clearly seeing I had something to say. I still couldn't say it.

I spent the next couple weeks trying to sit with my feelings. I was pregnant, I didn't want my hormones making me say things I wouldn't feel the very next day. But it was getting clearer and clearer these feelings were very real. Finally, one night around Christmas, I just say it. Via text. Like a coward. I knew he had fallen asleep already from the amount of time my last message was on delivered.

Well... Now what? Neither of us went into this anticipating it being so intense. We both had our own families, not like we could run off together (although we joked about it a few times). This was a strange situation we weren't prepared for, however, I think that's why it was so intense. Imagine love where you don't have to worry about long term compatibility. Our family plans didn't need to align, we weren't going to argue over finances, we didn't have to live with each other and all our annoying habits. It was all of the good feelings without the complexity... well... except for the complexity of loving someone more than your spouse.

I don't think more is the right word. More intensely, perhaps. He'd known her for 14 years and I'd known Dakota for 10. While it felt wrong to have more passion for someone else, it logically made sense. We were still in the honeymoon phase. A fact that also scared me... Would this fizzle out and become boring? At the rate we were going it felt more likely that we'd become self-destructive. Like we'd inevitably burst into flames.

Everyday I am grateful that I was already pregnant at this point. Considering fertility struggles caused a lot of strain in our relationship, and I was extremely suicidal only a few months prior to all of this, I think meeting Ryan while I was that vulnerable would have led me to throw away my entire future with someone that actually loves and cares about me. With a baby already on the way I couldn't break up my family.

So for the time being everything was awesome and complicated and intoxicating and overwhelming. We were in love. Crazy. But not as crazy as everything to come.