Divorce Me Softly

I was recently reminded of a conversation Ryan and I had a while ago. We were discussing the logistics of moving out, filing for divorce, dealing with custody, etc. He said she would not cooperate and instead make things as difficult as possible every step of the way.

“Why would you marry someone like that in the first place?”

“What do you mean? No one gets married thinking about divorce.” I didn’t respond but unfortunately even when I don’t talk my face still speaks for me. He gave me a confused look. “Right?”

“I mean, I did.”

“You did?”

“Well, yeah. Half of marriages end in divorce. So I thought about it, but I can’t imagine either of us acting like that.” And in that moment I realized the single best piece of marriage advice I can possibly offer to anyone. Don’t marry someone you can’t see divorcing.

And I guess I knew this in my heart before I ever said it in those words. I still remember when I for real knew I was going to marry Dakota. It wasn’t in a moment of passionate love or a moment of warm contentment. It was in the middle of a fight. Now, I don’t remember what the fight was about, it was probably six years ago at this point. It obviously wasn’t something worth having an argument over since I forgot the details very quickly. But what I always remember is the realization I had. Up until then, every fight, I would mentally ask myself if I wanted to break up. I’m super stubborn so I would genuinely have to contemplate if this argument is worth breaking up over. And the answer had always been no, obviously. But this time I asked myself the question and I realized the answer would always be no. I’d rather argue with him than anyone else. He was someone I could argue with.

So yes, I think we could handle divorce. Now, I get it. I’m naive. I’m optimistic. I don’t know what it’s like. And you know what? You’re right. I don’t know. But I do genuinely believe that if Dakota and I got divorced, no matter the scenario, it would be amicable. Doesn’t mean there wouldn’t be hurt feelings or some harsh words exchanged. But in the end, we would talk it out and I think neither of us would be overly spiteful.

Now, part of the belief comes from the fact neither of us would do anything that bad. He’s not going to physically abuse me. I am more confident in that than I am that the sun will come up tomorrow. Neither of us would gamble away our savings. If either of us became addicts I think the other would help them through it.

When it comes down to it if we got divorced it would probably be that one or both of us feel unloved. Sometimes we have trouble loving each other in a language the other understands. But even in a more heated scenario we would never threaten to keep the other from seeing our child. We would never physically abuse each other or break each other’s things. We would never drag out the process for months. Why would anyone want to stay married to someone who doesn’t want to be married to them? Love yourself. Stop being so pathetic and embarrassing.

Even more importantly, we do love each other. Why would I want to hurt someone I’ve loved so dearly for so long? Even if we’ve grown apart, or are incompatible, I think we will love each other on some level. I think that a civil divorce is a good way to show that love and that if you’re actively trying to make your partner miserable throughout the process it just shows you never loved them in the first place. You should love them enough to let them be happy after being unhappy for a long time.

Why marry someone you can’t imagine divorcing? Why marry someone that you know will treat you so poorly as soon as things aren’t going well? When I imagine who I want to marry, it’s going to be the person that I can work through anything with, even if that thing is divorce. 

While we have made it through one of the statistically most likely periods of divorce (the first two years) let me not jinx it as we haven’t reached the other one (year 7-8) yet. Although, with fertility treatments, we survived an incredibly rough first few years. If we can survive that I feel like we can survive anything. But in the end, if there is an end, I know he will treat me with kindness. He will be gentle with me. He’s my best friend, why wouldn’t he be?