Don't Say It

“Never say the word divorce. Once it’s out it never goes back in the bottle.”

My father’s advice is often pretty awful. But this one has stuck with me. I was a teenager when he said this to me, my mom had moved out for a bit but my parents were too codependent to survive on their own so she was back.

Apparently they talked about “separating” and her “moving out” and etc… but they never talked about getting “divorced.”

I think there’s something to this logic. I think as soon as one partner wants a divorce the bond of marriage is broken. It’s supposed to be til death. Do I look dead to you?

As soon as divorce is mentioned it shows that at least one of you doesn’t think the partnership is worth saving. And how does the other person overcome that betrayal? You don’t want space, you don’t want time, you don’t want counseling… you want to leave me. Why would the love of my life ever want to leave me?

Now, I want to be clear, I’m not anti-divorce. Hell, I’m a feminist. Divorce is a huge win for women. No longer having to stay with men that rape and beat and abuse them. And on a less widespread and less systemic level divorce is a win for men too. “No happy marriage ends in divorce.” Everyone who wants to get divorced should. 100%. And I have no issues with telling my friends to leave shitty partners (married or not).

I don’t think divorce is a moral failing. Perhaps an intellectual one, but a lot of people are dumb. Who cares.

All I’m saying is that words do have power. And I think as soon as the discussion of divorce comes up a marriage is doomed. Maybe not right away. Maybe things “get better” for a bit. But every time even a slight inconvenience happens, it’s now on the table. It’s been presented as an option.

Dakota and I have had our fights. I’ve said some very unkind things. I’ve said things along the lines of “I don’t know how much longer I can do this.” A handful of times I’ve yelled, “then leave me!” But I’ve never ever ever said, “I want a divorce.” And neither has he. We know it’s a line that can’t be uncrossed.

Even when Ryan and I fantasize about a life together, it’s never post-divorce (for me). The reason behind a lack of Dakota’s presence in my life is left vague. Not only do I not talk about getting divorced, I don’t imagine it either.

Perhaps the word isn’t magical. There’s probably not a curse upon everyone whose lips dare speak it. But I’m not taking the chance.