Fun is New

Ryan and I spent a weekend in Vegas.

I know what you’re thinking: how are you back with Ryan? Jk, you’re probably actually asking who tf is Ryan? Because unless you’re his weird baby mama that stalks me, you’ve probably stumbled upon this blog with no context.

But if you’re one of my few recurrent readers wondering how I’m back with Ryan and what happened to Dwayne… Look. Life is dumb, okay? Dwayne and I are still good, he’s just busy. And I guess a bit of that loneliness allowed Ryan to come back.

And I’m not saying we’re back together. I don’t really know what we are. But basically he had reached out to Dakota secretly and planned a trip with me to celebrate his divorce. The looming thing that had caused pretty much all of our issues. He asked for Dakota’s blessing, which Dakota very reluctantly gave, before planning a whole trip.

He emailed me the proposed itinerary because his phone number had been blocked (and actually still is! lol) since he texted me in October for his BM whom I DON’T TO FUCKING TALK TO AND HAVE A WHOLE LEGAL AGREEMENT DRAWN UP THAT SHE’D LEAVE ME ALONE (shocker, she didn’t. At all.). I was so irritated he would relay a message from her knowing I didn’t want to hear from her. Since then we only communicated via email about court stuff.

And there’s been a dumb amount of court stuff.

But the Vegas trip and the court stuff are both posts for the future, or perhaps for never. We’ll see.

Anyway! I receive an email that is a long apology, a date that his divorce will finally be finalized, and a proposed trip to celebrate/apologize as well as the fact that it’s already been pre-approved.

I was hesitant about rekindling anything with Ryan but I can tell you I fucked the shit out of Dakota that night because what do you mean you love me so much you let my ex boyfriend plan a trip to try to win me back?? Because you knew how much I missed him?? Because you wanted me to feel loved by him again???

Wow. A lot has happened since I’ve last written and it’s hard for me to stay focused. The point of this post is that we were already in Vegas, in a nightclub, and I was shaking my ass on him. Because duh.

As we took a break in a booth away from the music he looked me over, longingly. “If when we met you told me we’d end up here… No way I would’ve believed you.”

I thought for a moment. “If you told me we’d end up in a Vegas nightclub I probably would’ve been like, ‘yeah? Cool! Sounds about right.’ But I never would’ve guessed the path we took to get here.” I laughed.

“This isn’t that crazy for you.”

“Well… I mean making friends that we eventually travel and go on vacation with? That was the goal! Do I like to go out dancing sometimes? Hell yeah! So saying, ‘hey, you’re gonna end up in a Vegas nightclub together in a few years’ really doesn’t seem that crazy. The ‘you’re going to go on vacation together without either of your spouses’ part seems like the crazier part to me.

We resume dancing and drinking and I think about what he said. I lean in and yell over the music, “So when’s the last time you had a hot girl twerk on you at the club?”

“Mmmm,” he feigned trying to recall, “never.”

“Never?” I asked, like I hadn’t predicted the answer.

“You’re fun. Fun is new.”

Fast forward to last night I was messaging him (yes, we moved on from email) and we were talking about clubs and how they typically are not his scene. I’ve gotten him to go clubbing with me four times in the last year(?) but prior to me no longer being pregnant/nursing that was definitely not a thing he did.

“Does she not like clubs?”

“Seems like something she’d pretend to like.”

“Lol why?”

“Because fun hot girls like the club. Except she’d drink too much and be a gigantic hassle and knowing that, I definitely wouldn’t have fun.”

“I mean… everyone drinks too much sometimes.”

“You are actually fun.”

And that was the second time “fun” had come up recently. And I think it stuck out to me because even from my limited interactions with her it was obvious she was not fun. Down to her core. It was definitely in the list of reasons I couldn’t really understand their relationship from the beginning. I genuinely had so much fun when I was with him. How can you be so miserable and whiny and a downer with him? I don’t know.

Fun is new. It has echoed in my head for two weeks. It made me sad that he was in his mid-thirties and fun was new. I wanted to make up for lost time.

Maybe we will.