A Real Adult Relationship

One of the things that’s always been appealing about my relationship with Ryan is that it wasn’t a real adult relationship. There was no expectation of marriage or kids or entangling finances. You know, all the things the fuck up the fun. It felt like puppy love as a teenager. Hooking up when our ̶p̶a̶r̶e̶n̶t̶s̶ spouses weren’t home or maybe even sneaking off to a playground to make out on the slide after a dinner date. Waiting for the next text and smiling at our phones like idiots when we got it. It felt healing to be childish again. After all of the pain and struggle and monetary strain of fertility struggles that consumed my life and marriage, being a carefree kid again was so fun.

But I woke up today with a message from Ryan: his flight information. And this made me very happy…but I couldn’t exactly figure out why. I knew he’d be on a plane before I woke up, I figured I’d just keep checking my phone every five minutes for 3 or 4 hours until he landed. But he gave me his flight information. I could see it. He knew it would make me less anxious.

That wasn’t it though. I thought about it for a while; the reason it made me unexpectedly happy was that we had made it to that point. We are not each other’s spouses, we don’t come home to each other. We didn’t necessarily share info like that freely. If either of us had asked the other would oblige, we didn’t have anything to hide, but defaulting to sharing that without having to ask was a step. Maybe one that is often imperceptible in standard relationships, it just happens without thought or notice because of the way things typically escalate. But this wasn’t a typical relationship. So I noticed.

It's not just the text though. I think it was the entire week leading up to it as well. Dakota was out of town so I saw Ryan almost everyday. And Saturday he took me out with a couple of his friends. I hadn’t met any of his friends yet.

It felt like our relationship had progressed into an actual adult relationship. Obviously we weren’t playing house, but it was the way a normal relationship would happen between adults rather than high schoolers or college kids. I’d never dated as an adult. I guess he hadn’t either. Sure, I’ve been on many dates, but I’d never started a serious relationship as an adult.

As giddy as I was this morning, the feelings faded. Because at the end of the day we can’t have a normal adult relationship. We don’t get to see each other after work whenever we want until ultimately we decide it’s time to move in. There is no moving in. And I don’t want this to sound like a negative for my relationship with Dakota. I love my life with him and our daughter. I just also love Ryan. I want to be more than I can be for two people at the same time. I hope Ryan can forgive me for that. I hope he can appreciate the level of relationship we have achieved and that it can be enough for him. Or that when he finds someone that can be enough I hope there’s still a place for me somewhere in his life.

I fantasize about a life where he and Dakota and I all live in a great big house together. I imagine three or four bedrooms on one side of the house for my nuclear family, and on the other side of the kitchen and great room and whatever else there’s a couple bedrooms for Ryan and his kid. Between their two incomes and my large amount of free time I can imagine a home so positive and loving and nurturing for all the children living there. I can imagine the five of us sitting down for dinner, and maybe five turns to six or seven. I can picture how their schedules compliment each other, we often wouldn’t all be home at once. We could have space. I could pick up his kid from school on the days he works too late and he could watch our daughter so Dakota and I could actually have a date night every once in a while.

Of course, this is all a fantasy. That’s not how real adult relationships work.

I never intended for this to be the outcome when I started dating Ryan. Obviously. But now that we’re here it feels so… confusing. There’s no reason to escalate our relationship and I know that, and yet it is an innate desire I can’t escape from. I also feel guilty for viewing Ryan as a backup plan. It’s unfair to both of the men I love. Ryan doesn’t deserve to be a second choice and Dakota doesn’t deserve to think I have one foot out the door. But how is it not the natural outcome?

Maybe there’s a reason most people only have one real adult relationship.