A Time and A Place

One thing that’s important to learn as a woman is that there’s a time and a place to be sexy. Men don’t tend to have this issue because, tragically, their clothing options don’t tend to have a lot of sex appeal. They don’t have cleavage cut outs, high slits, backless dresses, etc. They just have their very tame (boring) clothes, unlike women.

A place I personally don’t think it’s appropriate to be sexy is your own wedding. Maybe that’s controversial! But in front of all of my family? In front of Dakota’s 40 younger cousins that are middle schoolers? Even a small wedding of just close friends feels weird to try to be sexy, to me. I think it’s important to look classy on your wedding day, and it’s really hard to balance sexy and classy sometimes.

Now this doesn’t mean the bride shouldn’t be radiant. Showstopping, even. But beauty doesn't have to be “sexy.” I found a stunning wedding dress, an A-line with sparkly beading, but the neckline plummeting past my sternum really bothered me. When I had it tailored they added a “modesty panel” to cover my cleavage.

I like to wear thong bikini bottoms. Because my butt looks great and the tanlines are sexier. But for years I went to an adults only pool. Everyone at the pool was smoking and drinking and cussing. It was lovely because no one was screaming or splashing. This felt like a place I could have my ass out and the men would silently thank me and no one would have a problem.

After having a baby I don’t go to the adult’s only pool anymore. Obviously. So now I don’t wear thong bikinis. Personally, I think kids should grow up being taught that bodies are natural and not to be ashamed of them and that we don’t need to cover them up. However, there’s a time and a place. Getting in an argument with a Karen because she’s jealous her husband doesn’t look at her like he looks at me doesn’t seem worth it. We’re just there to have fun at the pool.

It seems like lots of men appreciate a woman’s discernment on when to be sexy. Knowing when to tone it down. But something less well known is that men also appreciate when you’re unsexy. Not just neutral or plain, but actively unsexy.

My Halloween costume is not sexy this year. Not in the slightest. That’s a first in probably 13 Halloweens. But I have a kid now. Once you cross that threshold Halloween isn’t about being sexy, it’s about your kids having fun. You’re supposed to dress up in whatever costume they pick out for you and pretend like you love it!

We went to a Halloween event yesterday and it was disappointing to see how many moms didn’t dress up with their kids. It was so noticeable because the dads were all for it! Men don’t have that same societal pressure to be sexy.

There were moms who were the only ones in the family not dressed up. Disappointing, but maybe they had their reasons. Or maybe they’re just buzzkills (most likely). There were moms dressed as something that was unrelated to the kids/rest of the family. Now, if there’s not really a good supporting character to be added to the kids’ costumes, fine I guess. But choosing your own costume because you need something more flattering? Yikes. This is not about you.

The worst of all was the parents who did a couple’s costume unrelated to the kids. Because you could tell the man just didn’t want to piss off his wife. He would rather be a power ranger with his son but you have him dressed as Gomez Addams so you could be Morticia. Because being sexy was more important than making your kid happy.

Now, I get not everyone does coordinated costumes period. That’s fine. Especially if there’s multiple kids that all want to do their own thing and the group has no cohesive theme anyway. But I guess what I’m saying is men find being a good mom to be sexy. And maybe that includes dressing up as whatever you kid asks you to. Even the most unsexy costume becomes sexy when it’s done for children’s joy.

Knowing when to be sexy (and more importantly, unsexy) is the way to find someone that lusts after your soul, not just your body. Knowing when to be sexy can save you from some faux pas. Knowing when to be unsexy can be the sexiest thing you learn to do.