ADHDating

Having ADHD is annoying in general. But it’s especially annoying in the dating world. Maybe you don’t believe ADHD is real, I’m not sure I do either. But I’m pretty good at… almost everything. I am, statistically, an impressive human being. And yet I fucking suck at staying organized. So whatever you want to call the reason, maybe it’s purely a skill issue, but I suffer with some seemingly easy problems while dominating most of life. For this post we’ll say ADHD is the culprit.

One problem with ADHD is “time blindness.” This means that, inevitably, no matter how hard I try, I’m 5 minutes late for every date. You know that I actually am trying super hard because I’m about 15 minutes late anytime I’m going to hang out with friends. That is really me trying to make my best impression. Luckily 5 minutes typically falls within a grace period that people don’t seem to mind. But it still makes me feel so bad.

The larger issue I have with dating though is how cluttered my house is. I’ve never been an organized person and at this point I’ve accepted I never will be. I’m hoping to still improve from my current baseline but I’ll never be a minimalist and my house will never be spotless. I’m sorry.

Generally, although cluttered, my house is clean. There might be papers all over the counters and my dresser has an array of jewelry and perfume and who knows what else laid on top. Dirty clothes litter the floor because they overflow from the laundry basket. But like, things aren’t dirty, ya know? Actual dirt and grime and stuff, things that are hygiene issues, aren’t a problem.

Well. At least not until I got majorly depressed, and then was pregnant, and then have been a freshly postpartum mom. Things have maybe gotten a little dirtier in the last year or so.

So previously, before I might potentially bring a girl home, I’d frantically hide my clutter in a room/closet I knew she wouldn’t see. Now I have to do that just to clean off the floors and counters I also need to wipe down before letting someone see my house for the first time.

This is a double edged sword. I fucking hate that I’m like this and it’s the worst part of dating new people. At the same time, it’s one of the only things that motivates me enough to (at least somewhat) fix my living space. So maybe I need it. Maybe I need the fear of scaring someone off.

When it comes to the man I’m currently seeing, I’ve given up. He’s seen my house pretty terrible at this point. And yet that doesn’t bring me comfort. I now have anxiety I’ve gotten too comfortable and I’m not even going to realize I’m disgusting him more and more. I feel like I have body dysmorphia for my house. House dysmorphia? Am I worrying over a relatively normal house (especially for a new mom) or am I too chill over a hoarder house? I genuinely can’t tell where on this spectrum I fall.

I’m clinging on to hope that being a sahm means I’ll now have a reasonable looking house to live in. Knowing how my brain works I’m not so sure that’s true. Hopefully I can find a girlfriend that accepts me as I am and I can stop dating around altogether. A husband, boyfriend, and girlfriend is about the max number of partners I can handle.

When I reread my posts after publishing them I usually find a typo or two. I wrote this particular post while tipsy. I’m just accepting this article might be a mess. Oh well, sue me.