first to watch my story

First to watch my story but don’t like me, bitch it’s weird

I love Latto’s verse on Budget, I pretty much always rewind and listen to it a second time when I play the song. And this line in particular really resonates with me.

It’s hard being pretty.

But it’s really hard being more than pretty. People typically don’t mind a pretty girl who’s just pretty. She knows that’s her place. To be looked at, but not to be heard. People hate when a pretty girl is smart. And they really hate when a pretty girl is funny. And Dear Lord, don’t let her be both.

I’ll admit I’ve fallen victim to this jealousy. I ran track against a girl whose dad was an NFL player and her mom was an Olympian. As you can imagine, she was very genetically gifted. If she was at your meet that week you knew you were running for second place. But even worse is that she was gorgeous. And honestly that would’ve been fine, it made her so hateable and would’ve made it sooo satisfying if anyone – even if it wasn’t me – eked out a win. She needed to be humbled…

Except she didn’t. She was also so nice, which was the worst part of all. I wanted a reason to hate her. I wanted something to pin it on besides jealousy. Honestly? She’s maybe the only person to ever intimidate me.

But I am her to a lot of people, which is weird. I don’t feel intimidating. But I’ve been told repeatedly I am. And I think a lot of it comes from being so self assured; I know I’m pretty and smart and honestly I don’t care if you think I’m funny because I think I’m funny and I’m always my target audience for jokes. But I also think some of the negative feelings come from me… being nice? People expect me to be a snob?

So I end up with a lot of one-sided beef. And dating women seems to exacerbate this problem. You see, not infrequently talking to a woman becomes nothing more than a follow on Instagram. Which is fine, another pretty girl on my feed, another pretty girl on hers. Whatever. Not every match turns into a soulmate, obviously. But it also means I get more haters. And I hate using that term because typically when people use it I roll my eyes at the fact they’re not important enough to have haters. And to be clear I don’t think I’m important enough either. I’m just a person bruh. But I definitely do have them.

I removed a few girls that were always literally the first to watch my instagram stories but never liked a single post. And I’d like their posts because I’m not a weirdo. Admittedly, these were a couple girls that I wasn’t a huge fan of and they weren’t huge fans of me in high school, but it wasn’t anything that big and it was so many years ago. We can be chill now. But when it seems like you have notifications on for my story but can’t ever participate in a poll or like a story or a post… Why are you watching me? It’s weird. 

Another girl, my friend’s girlfriend, was also weird. I think she was insecure about me because he and I flirted a bit before Dakota and I started dating, but we never slept together or anything.

She was always quick to watch my stories and then often copy them? Like I posted my ring blinging in the sun one time because it happened to look real good in that moment. A few hours after she saw it she made sure to point a light at her ring and catch it shining. And maybe that seems small but it was stuff like that somewhat frequently.

What really bothered me is she started being the first to watch my stories on my infertility Instagram, despite not even following it. They got married a year after Dakota and I so when they announced they were pregnant it was triggering. A few days later I posted a video on my regular Instagram account taking injections, nearly in tears, complaining how hard it is to watch everyone get pregnant and here I am still doing all the painful/expensive medical shit hoping for a miracle. This made her unfollow me.

Huh? You were snooping hard on my infertility account and got offended when I complained about infertility?

It’s a very strange experience when people want to be like you. I’m not that special. It does seem like from the dating aspect it’s getting better as I get older. I think it’s a common experience for young lesbians/bisexual women to not necessarily be able to differentiate jealousy and attraction. Do I want to be with her or do I want to be her? I think that usually gets worked through with more experience.

Admittedly the examples I gave weren’t women I talked to romantically but I think that’s why they stick out to me more. These weren’t people I met once or twice and decided they gave off bad energy, these were people I actually knew. People I thought I was cool with.

Oh well. It’s hard being hot. But someone has to do it.