Four Years

This morning I woke up to a snap from a man I haven’t talked to in nearly four years. Part of me wanted to ignore it because nothing good could come from it, but curiosity won immediately.

This was the first man I slept with after being in a relationship with Dakota. And, admittedly, I broke some boundaries with him. Not really on purpose. It was a combination of us not having fully communicated expectations for this new situation, and me not being thoughtful/careful of Dakota’s feelings. Just because it wasn’t explicitly discussed doesn’t mean I shouldn’t have taken a moment to consider how he might feel.

But also I was young and dumb (and drunk). Give me some grace.

This was well before OF and cuck stuff. Dakota made me cut it off pretty abruptly which I didn’t love but at the end of the day I wasn’t in that deep with this guy. I think all in it was like 3 or 4 weeks.

But he made me feel pretty. And desired. Things Dakota wasn’t very good at back then.

And now for some reason I’m having more feelings than expected about our brief conversation. I think because I was actually fully in love with a paramour recently, the lust from him feels… dirty. On the other hand, wouldn’t it have all been so much easier if that was only ever lust? Is lust what I should be looking for instead?

Despite people assuming I’m a whore (and probably being one by some people’s definition) I’m not a fan of adding new bodies. Which is why I’ve been hesitant to add Dwayne, and why it took 8 months of dating to actually end up sleeping with Sean. So there is part of me that wants to go back to this guy. He was sweet to me, mostly, but just enough of a fuckboy to keep me from doing the dumb shit I ended up doing with the next guy.

Now, I know this is so stupid. Because I could choose anyone I don’t have history with and Dakota wouldn’t mind. But I just don’t want to…

And I think the fact we haven’t talked in four years is appealing to me. Isn’t that crazy? But I just know since that’s the case it’s really only ever supposed to be a bootycall. He doesn’t like me, he likes my body.

Which, again, I don’t love that. But I think it’s what I need more in an open marriage. I’m worried I like Dwayne too much already. Like, this is sustainable, but once we have sex it will get deeper. I know that about myself. What if I go back to old thing and his fuckboy-ness keeps me sexually happy and emotionally detached? Idk.

I’m just sitting in my bathtub getting my thoughts out because ten messages has derailed my whole day. It’s so weird how the past can do that.

To Dakota, who will eventually read this, I won’t see him behind your back. I promise. I know this post will make you anxious but it’s really just me trying to figure out what non-monogamy looks like for me going forward so I don’t hurt you again. Figuring out what I’m actually desiring from it.

And to Dwayne, psych. You all thought I let this man know about my blog?? Lmfao! I learned my lesson on that one. I’ve been begging for privacy (from people I know in real life) for nearly two years now. I am literally never giving out my blog/reddit to anyone ever again.

Anyway, bed time. Super Bowl sucked. Good night.