Good Things

I begged my ex for months to get through his divorce before I was pregnant again (with my husband’s baby we conceived via IVF). IVF is a long process so I knew months in advance when I would be pregnant. All I wanted is to not worry about this ex physically attacking me again while I was pregnant, potentially killing my baby.

For months leading up I got more and more desperate for her to leave me alone. Because I knew she would kill my baby. No one would fucking listen to me.

No one ever fucking listens to me.

I asked him to start the process sooner so she wouldn’t kill my baby. He didn’t. And she did. He waited and exactly what I said would happen did. She killed my son.

This hurt me a lot, obviously. A lot due to the fact she took away my one chance at a son. But mostly because it proved that my ex didn’t care about me. He put me through so much and all I asked is that he do his best to protect me and my baby. Get all the psycho drama done and let things cool off before I was vulnerable. But no.

I can’t say I don’t still love and care about him. His mom and I keep in touch. She’s so grateful I helped her son out of the abusive ocean she’d been watching him barely tread water in for over a decade. She gives me updates that I’m pretty sure my ex isn’t even aware of. But I don’t know how to look at him without immense sadness. The last time I saw him I had trouble looking up into his eyes. I mostly stared at his torso. When I tried to look up my gaze seemed to stop at his neck. I could never quite make it to his eyes.

I knew that was the end. I didn’t want to admit it at the time but I knew. He crushed everything I had left for him. And I guess he could feel it too because the last thing he said to me in person was, “I’m still so grateful I met you. I love you and I don’t regret that.”

Maybe, despite everything, he does love me. Abused people are bad at healthy relationships. But I had let myself be hurt by him too much. How would he feel if I let his son die? Why would he let mine?

Wow. That wasn’t how this post was supposed to go. But I guess a lot of it has been bottled up. Perhaps, as I talk about the good things happening in my life, I needed to let out the hurt that I most recently went through. But yes, let’s turn this around, because good things happen to good people.

Now that I have stepped away from the two most toxic people in my life, two people that only seem to care about themselves, things have been looking up.

Financially Dakota and I have had some reprieve. We have healthy retirement accounts and a real estate portfolio and etc. But not necessarily a lot of spendable cash. Considering I’ve been staying home with our child for nearly a year, with IVF and immigration lawyer expenses and whatnot we were running a little short on cash. But we’ve lucked into a little money. Keep subbing to my OF though! Ask me how to get around the stupid, expensive paywall to keep out my stalker/baby murderer.

I’m excited about our upcoming international trip. We need to get a lay of the land before we continue the aforementioned immigration process. I’m so excited by the idea of living on a beach in a country with universal healthcare!! 

In addition I’m feeling good about our next steps in the fertility process. I can’t explain it. Maybe I just have to believe my karma is coming.

Finally, I’ve actually started to like a guy again. One that shall remain unnamed for now. I fully did not intend to date men anymore but love crushes always seem to find me quickest when I’m not looking. A black guy, which is a change of pace for me. I like black guys, I’ve dated a couple but nothing serious ever came of it. But something about another person of color makes me feel safe. He’s funny. And I’ve been able to spend a lot of time with him this last month which has made me really happy.

Seeing the aurora borealis last week was the icing on the cake. It’s been on my bucket list and being able to see it so beautifully from my own yard made my heart happy and made me feel confident that things would be looking up.

Despite everything in the world proving this wrong I have to choose to believe good things happen to good people. And I know I’m a good person. I care about others and I try to help the less fortunate. Maybe just maybe the universe will finally help me.