Hard For

You the only one that my dick could get hard for,

I’m confused, what the fuck you want my heart for?

Now, I don’t have a (real) dick, but I relate to Kevin Gates here. This is the issue Sean and I are having. The sex is good but he wants an emotional connection. Don’t get me wrong, I like him as a friend, but I have purposely avoided getting too invested. After Ryan I just don’t want another heartbreak. I’m married for God sake. I shouldn’t be having heartbreaks anymore. Or at least not these kinds. The idea of accidentally getting in too deep again sounds stressful and exhausting. I don’t have the emotional bandwidth for that right now. 

Plus, at the moment I’m not super convinced we’ll be staying in our current city (or country). These feelings have been coming and going in waves for years now, so it’ll probably pass, but it’s hard for me to want to connect with Sean when the back of my mind has been forming an exit plan for the past few months anyway. Basically since shortly after meeting him.

I’m not good with long distance. Dakota and I were long distance for only a few months at a time, and I only put up with that because I knew in my heart that was my husband. I couldn’t let a few months of discomfort stop me from my entire future. But what is Sean? Sean isn’t my future. Sean was mostly a distraction from Ryan, whom I’m probably still in love with. I don’t know. I opt not to think about it. Thinking about it isn’t helpful.

Sean and I mostly have fun. Like we go do fun things. We don’t chat that much; we text a couple times a week. But when we meet up it’s either to do something interactive, or to have sex. There’s no sitting around watching TV or just grabbing lunch. It’s always something like laser tag or “hiking” (very un-strenuous hiking lol) or a cooking class or the zoo. I like having someone I don’t talk to everyday. And I don't talk about my feelings or issues with. We just keep it light and fun. It’s awesome for where I’m at mentally.

But after a discussion with him I’m starting to feel guilty. It was never my intention for me to be the only person he dates. He’s definitely free to see other people. But when someone has only ever been in monogamous relationships it can be difficult to get into that mindset. Perhaps I need to encourage him to find someone that can give him more than the surface level conversations I’m currently willing to provide. And if that happens to be with someone who wants monogamy and he has to cut me off? So be it.

Until then, I'm around for him to fuck. My vagina is free but my heart is unavailable.