He's Just Not That Into You

Social media is bad for our brains. We all know that. A great example is how it exposes us to other people's relationships... supposedly, that is. Constantly upping the bar for romantic gestures, said gestures no longer being about actual romance but instead about brag-ability on the internet, all while hiding the truth about that relationship. Yes, he took her on a "baecation" to ask her to be his girlfriend, but also he hasn't stopped cheating on her since they met. Do you actually want their relationship or do you want the façade they present to everyone?

That being said, if a man's excuse for his lack of effort is he's "not good at being romantic" well... say it with me; he's just not that into you. I tend to attract and be attracted to men who are pretty analytical. Romance doesn't necessarily fall into their wheelhouse so I've gotten very used to hearing, "I'm just not very romantic." And for a while I accepted that because quite frankly I'm not entirely sure how to be romantic either. There's kind of a playbook laid out for courting women but not so much for courting men. However, as soon as I was receiving that energy, it came naturally. I love being obsessed with each other. I love sappiness. I love headassery. I love being disgustingly in love.

When a man is actually all about you, he will make you feel loved. And quite frankly that's a better feeling than being with someone that's "good" at being romantic, if there is such a thing. Have you ever seen one of those guys? I can think of one guy in particular from my high school. I'd see him post this woman he's so in love with more days than not right after getting together, and then suddenly the posts stop, and then after a few months he's sooo in love with the next girl. It made me laugh like that's so embarrassing. There's a saying, "if a man writes you a sonnet, he loves you. If he writes you a hundred sonnets, he loves sonnets." Finding the man that doesn't like poetry but will write you a sonnet is the way to feel the most loved in this world.

On the flip side, the man not willing to write you even one sonnet is not in love with you. I don't care that this isn't your love language, I don't care that you don't know what to do, I don't care that it makes you uncomfortable. If you love me, you figure it out.

I think the key is to unabashedly do your romantic gestures without worrying too much about whether the recipient will like them. Yes, their feelings should matter obviously, it's for them. Doing something you know they'd hate, like a public proposal when they're a very private person, is not what I mean. Don't get chocolate covered strawberries for your girlfriend that's allergic to strawberries. Obviously. But things that might not exactly be their taste still show them how much you care and that will come through no matter what. I mentioned reciprocating energy earlier; that opens them up to being more romantic in return and more receptive to your types of romance. Knowing the effort is there is like 80% of the fight.

An example is that I have many ear piercings, four in a row on one side. I asked Dakota ahead of time if I should order his initials and wear them. He said no. Had I just done it it would've been cute and he maybe wouldn't have appreciated how I was showing my affection, but it would've been obvious I was showing it. Instead I didn't do it. But not only did I not do that idea, I was more hesitant to be sappy in general.

Later I had a boyfriend, Mike, who was much more into those types of gestures and he loved it. He was bubbly when I showed up for a date with M I K E on my ear. And that was how I learned my lack of romantic ability was really just a lack of reciprocated energy. He would do cheesy things for me and so I started doing cheesy things for him. It was so fun.

Buy me the ugly phone case just because it was my favorite color. Make me a playlist even though I hate half the songs. Put my photo in a frame on your nightstand even though it was a silly snapchat filter I never expected you to save and I beg you to take it down because I look ugly. You don't have to love me perfectly, just love me out loud. Allow me to not feel stupid for loving you.

I guess the summary of this is that people who do one-size-fits-all romantic gestures love romance, not you. And people who don't do romantic gestures at all don't love you either. Love is messy and romance is cheesy and every relationship is different. I'll treat you how you want to be treated just teach me how. (anyone know who I'm quoting?)