I Don't Want Your Baby Daddy

For the love of God, I don't want your baby daddy.

Why do you want your baby daddy?

This is a recurring problem, because I'm hot so I'm automatically threatening to other women I guess. But no, I don't want your crusty ass baby daddy. The one that knocked you up twice and still hasn't given you a ring? The one that refuses to call you his girlfriend, just his baby mama? The one that makes $18/hr and doesn't even have enough reading comprehension to text me anyway? I'm good, Love. Enjoy.

As a senior in high school I broke up with my boyfriend of ~18 months. At the time it was the longest relationship I had been in. Well, it was only the second one, but whatever. Things had spiraled and we had become toxic. He was a bit controlling and I am, by nature, a rebel. He would tell me I couldn't do something and I'd do it out of spite. This would only make him more insecure in the relationship and want to be more controlling, which made me want to rebel even more. We were both immature 18 year olds. It is what it is.

But because of how things ended, I was excited to explore my freedom. There was a hot (American) football player I knew vaguely since I was on the dance team and we both ran track together. He was tall, very muscular, he had scars on his face that I found quite attractive. I feel like I can't lust over him right now because I'm picturing him as he was, which was an eighteen year old. It's doing absolutely nothing for me as I am zero percent interested in fucking an eighteen year old boy. Gross.

Anyway! I knew he was with some blonde girl. I think they were super on and off? Or not dating but everyone knew they were fucking anyway? It wasn't clear to me and I didn't care to keep up with them so after a pick up game of basketball at the park I frequented I asked him, "Are you still with that blonde girl?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Just curious." I continue to gather my things. I head home without another word to him. It wasn't a big deal to me, I wasn't heartbroken. There's other attractive guys I could find.

I'd already completely forgotten the interaction when he texted me a few days later. To summarize the next bit, he said he was single again but looking back I'm not sure that was true. At the time I didn't question it. We hooked up a few times. Maybe three? And then we stopped. I don't remember why, maybe it was the end of summer and I left for school? Or we both just got busy? Either way, nothing dramatic happened. I did note that very shortly after we stopped, they were back together again.

Two years later this blonde girl messages me. Keep in mind, up until this point I didn't even know her name. I knew of her existence. I also had no idea they were still together. I don't care about any of this. And it's not like I'd been talking to him at all. Literally zero. I'm enjoying college life. She asks why I keep liking his tweets... because we follow each and some of them are funny? A decent portion were song lyrics of songs I also liked? I'm not sure if she could tell I was genuinely confused on being questioned about using social media for it's intended purpose but it's clear she thinks I want her man.

When I figure this out I literally laugh out loud. This man was attractive. And honestly very sweet. But he was as dumb as a sack of bricks. Being in college really opened my eyes to how much I value intelligence in a partner. Now I feel like saying, "he's way too dumb for me, I'm not trying to steal him." would've really gotten the point across. However, I didn't want her to relay to him I said that, because he was actually a really nice guy. I said something to the effect of "I'm in college and have a relationship here." And that was enough to end the interrogation.

She ended up having two of his kids before he ever proposed to her... but I'm happy for them, I guess.

This is far from the only time something like this has happened. So let me be clear; if I wanted your man I could take him. If I don't have him it's because I don't want him! If you come to me like Dolly Parton's Jolene, I'll listen. I get it, we all get insecure sometimes. I can make sure he's blocked or whatever we need to make sure you don't hate me. But come to me like Beyoncé's Jolene and I'll fuck him just to spite you. Fuck you.

My husband is handsome, extremely intelligent, we've built wealth and a family together. You might be gripping onto your aluminum baby daddy with white knuckles but when I have a gold partner I'm not entirely sure what makes you think I want to steal your trash so badly.