I’m not your girlfriend.

Disclaimer: Ryan, you probably won’t want to read this one but I know you will anyway.

Titles and labels can be hard even for monogamous people. That’s why we now have the word “situationship” for example. But it gets even harder as a polyamorous person because for some reason a lot of us (myself included) still can’t get used to the idea of having multiple of something. Multiple partners, sure. But multiple “girlfriends?” Just feels wrong.

When I was dating Mike he was in a long term relationship with his girlfriend. It was only after they broke up that I became his “girlfriend.” Not that anything changed about our relationship, I was still married and he was still dating around, but it felt like I couldn’t take the title of girlfriend from the girl he’d been with for three years nor could we share it. And I can’t explain why. If we can share partners surely we can share titles. But it just feels wrong to me.

I’m obviously Dakota’s wife. First and foremost. And I can’t be anyone else’s wife. Like actually, legally. Not that I want anyone else to call me their wife (for real at least. Sean and I have talked about going to a restaurant and faking an engagement to see if they give us free stuff but that’s different).

Ryan never asked me to be his girlfriend. I just didn’t like saying “the other guy I’m seeing” when talking about him. Too many words. So after two or three months I started calling him my boyfriend to my friends or when describing my poly situation on the poly dating app I use. I figured it didn’t really matter. After I did this a couple times I mentioned it to him and said I hoped it was okay. He seemed very pleased with this information and so we became boyfriend and girlfriend. If anything I guess I asked him? I didn’t really ask though, just mentioned it was the case lol.

When we got back together after he moved out we had a talk about what our relationship would look like. This was not a continuation of our relationship, this was starting over. And I’m not sure exactly what that means because it feels like we just jumped right back in… but we tried to not be as reckless and intense as the first time around. Anyway, I made it clear I was not his girlfriend. He could ask me to be his girlfriend when it felt appropriate. Like you don’t ask someone to be your girlfriend after a date or two, so we weren’t immediately using that term in our “new” relationship, but if after a few months things were going well and hadn’t imploded then sure, he could ask me.

Well he never did because I think he was going to wait until he didn’t have a wife? I don’t know. It doesn’t really matter because we’ve more or less defaulted back to it. I call him my boyfriend to other people and while I’m not sure if he’s used the term girlfriend or significant other or anything I think it’s obvious who I am when I show up, if you know what I mean?

And then there’s Sean. The label I’ve used for him is simply “friend.” I’m not sure any of my friends know there is anything more than that. But like… is there even anything more than that? We kiss (I’m not even sure we’ve used tongue?) and I send nudes. Obviously there’s some light flirting but it’s much closer to a friendship than a relationship. At least… to me.

Admittedly when he stayed the night on my birthday it felt more intimate than it had before. We were cross faded on my couch watching a movie and cuddling. When I’m high I like to be pet. Like a cat. Literally just rub my arm or my thigh or my butt. Repetitive motion. So I’m laying there with my head in his lap and he’s touching me. Not even sexually but more like flirtatiously I suppose. I’m stroking his beard. And my eyes keep going between the movie, his face, and the back of my eyelids. Very comfortable. Very relaxing. 

While this was a nice moment, for me it did not fundamentally change the nature of our relationship. But it seems like it changed something for him. I pretty quickly noticed he seems to text me more frequently and wants to hang out more. Keep in mind it was not unusual for us to go a week without texting before this. For a couple days I debate how to try to ask the question I’m trying to figure out. Eventually I just do it.

Oh sweetheart…

My first thought is that I’m Ryan’s girlfriend. Even though I could be both and also I’m technically not Ryan’s girlfriend. So really why can’t I be Sean’s?

But more than that, we are grown. I am damn near thirty. If I’ve never made you cum I’m not your girlfriend. Are you insane? It was very sweet and cute but in the same way it’s sweet and cute when a toddler asks to marry their parent.

Now there’s a few options of how to handle this:

1. Don’t. Just let it be.

2. Break up with him (but I’ve been waiting to see if I need to break up with Ryan who has not been keeping up his end of the bargain on divorce)

3. Fuck him

One doesn’t feel sustainable to me.

Two… well I might want to break up with him whether or not Ryan is around anyway. We’re definitely not compatible the way Ryan & I are. But the main reason I am feeling like I need to cut him off is that he is more invested in me than I am him and I don’t have the emotional bandwidth to reciprocate. I perhaps could be better if that emotional space wasn’t already taken up.

Three is just leaning into it. Cuz why not? I’ve been seeing him for seven months at this point, hasn’t the guy earned it? The only reason I hadn’t is because I knew Ryan wouldn’t like it. Dakota does not care at all. Actually he’s been encouraging me to do it if it means dropping Ryan and the drama his life entails.

A wife to one. A girlfriend to none. A complicated situation to many. This is just a warning for the next person that comes my way.