Jealousy

Jealousy is a weird emotion because you think you see it coming. That it’s the bull and as long as you don’t wave the red flag it won’t charge. But sometimes jealousy blindsides you and hits you like a fucking truck. And what do you do when your jealousy is completely unwarranted? When you know you’re being completely out of line? You just have to take that gut wrenching pang as if nothing happened.

I’m generally not a jealous person, if that’s not obvious by me letting my husband fuck other women. He’s slept with 15-20 women since we’ve been together. Jesus, that sounds like a lot now that I’ve written it down. The things that have made me jealous are never predictable.

I wanted him to sleep with other women while we were long distance. The idea turned me on. And I wanted to have threesomes. The first threesome we had and a foursome with another couple all went fine. Then our second threesome I get upset. She was kissing him too much. Like tongue all the way down his throat, sloppy make out sesh. And apparently this makes me jealous. Balls deep inside her is fine but kissing was too far…

I realize this is ridiculous. She’s also giving me lots of attention, I’m not being left out or anything, and kissing is to be expected in this situation. So what am I going to say? Don’t kiss her? Well, yes actually. I got through this focusing on the things I did like and ignoring the things I didn’t. All was well. And then the next morning I did a debrief with Dakota and said the kissing made me jealous. Obviously it’s rude to just straight up not kiss someone, but maybe limit it?

And he did. From then on he would allow a bit of kissing and then move to the woman’s neck or chest. Very smooth way to follow through on my request. And over the years I’ve mostly gotten over this, immersion therapy I guess, so we’ve met in the middle. But why this bothered me in the first place I don’t understand.

Another weird thing that I got jealous over was video games. My best friend plays video games and I just don’t. Dakota started talking to her about some game, I don’t remember what, and she was recommending some other games to try and blah blah blah. For some reason this interaction convinced me he was going to leave me for her. I know he finds me vastly more attractive than her, but looks aren’t everything. She’s more introverted like him, and they found a hobby they share while he and I don’t really have anything like that. Maybe they have more compatible personalities? When I brought up my feelings he literally laughed at me. He seemed confused and amused that I would possibly think he’d prefer my friend over me.

I will admit, I don’t know how well I could handle ENM if Dakota loved other people. I genuinely think he’s nearly aromantic. So I’ve never had much worry about him leaving me for some girl he starts sleeping with because for him it is definitely only physical.

An example of unexpected jealousy not centered around Dakota is with my ex, Ryan. Dating a married person comes with an understanding that they’re going to fuck their spouse. Duh. So why the fuck was I depressed when he mentioned fucking his wife before she went on a date? I think it was a combination of things. One, I didn’t like his wife. Two, I hadn’t gotten to fuck him in a bit. She made him cancel our most recent date. So she gets to fuck him and I don’t? But it’s her husband so yeah, kind of an unhinged thing to say.

I’ve also contemplated threesomes with Ryan. Several times actually. And each time the idea makes me extremely jealous. This seems ridiculous, I’m not possessive over my husband but I am over a man I met a few months ago? Well, yes! It makes me think of the quote, “when you’ve already won, what the fuck is a race?” Dakota chose me over the girl he was casually seeing when we first started dating. He moved to Denver to be with me after he graduated. We bought a house together, got married, went through years of fertility treatments which often causes people to split, and although I was barely conscious for it I know he was bossing people around in the delivery room as I was bleeding to death. He’s not going to leave me because some pretty girl can suck his dick well.

But when you’re already not someone’s primary partner, it’s harder to believe you won’t get replaced. I’m not doubting that trust can be built. But I’m not interesting in working towards that at this moment.

You know what inspired me to write this post though? Nothing to do with non-monogamy. I was watching Dakota’s grandma kiss my daughter. A bunch of kisses on her chubby cheeks and big tummy and doughy arms the same way I do. And I hated it. I feel bad that that was my reaction. I obviously didn’t say anything. But why are you kissing my baby like that? When I drop my daughter off at daycare and she gives the daycare worker a big smile I get jealous. She shouldn’t be happy I’m dropping her off she should be happiest with me.

Brains are weird. I’m both a logical and an emotional person, and it’s hard for those things to coexist quite frequently. My advice for jealousy is to ignore it. It’s not a helpful emotion. And generally if I ignore it and the situation passes, it passes. There’s no need to bring it back up, it doesn’t affect anything in the future, it’s just done. There’s definitely a learning curve with non-monogamy, but it’s overcomable for most people I think. What has your experience with it been?