Me Jodas

I love Latinas. This means on more than one occasion I have tried to flirt/date/sleep with a woman who did not have a great grasp of English. And every time I go into it hoping my Spanish knowledge will suffice. It does not.

I took four years of Spanish in high school. Which admittedly does not equate to much proficiency. For my European readers, I don’t know how things are for you and maybe four years would be plenty, but here I would say it means not getting completely lost in a foreign country but definitely not being able to hold a normal conversation. However it was a good base when I started Duolingo, I seemed to remember most of what I learned with only a little refresher. I’ve just recently crossed a 1300 day Duolingo streak of mostly Spanish (although I’ve also dabbled in Korean, German, Portuguese, and now Greek) and I gotta say… I still can’t speak Spanish.

Me puedo leer pero no puedo escuchar bien y cuando escribo o hablo es… así así. The problem is I’ve just hit a wall. I don’t think I can get much better without actually speaking it to someone. The little games and lessons aren’t the same as being immersed in a language.

Now, I just said I have a habit of finding women who can barely speak English. You’d think this would be a great opportunity for me to practice with them. But I get so nervous! I don’t want to embarrass myself in front of someone I’m potentially interested in.

For a while I only slept with women while dating Dakota. The very first man I slept with spoke Spanish as his first language. I think had we continued to see each other (the whole thing only lasted like 3 weeks) I would’ve been comfortable enough to practice with him. Apparently I’m a little less shy with men. I guess because I know a man is going to keep sleeping with me no matter how stupid I sound. I had asked him a couple grammar questions through text and when we were on the dance floor of a club I whispered, “me jodas” in his ear, which was returned with a sly smile and he obliged after the bar closed.

There was something sexy about him speaking Spanish in general, but especially to me, and the way he’d encourage me when I got brave enough to utter a sentence or two.

You know what I don’t find sexy? That two blonde haired white boys can speak more Spanish than me. In fact it annoys me quite a bit. My first guy was Mexican. Sean and Ryan are both of German descent and grew up in the Midwest. They shouldn’t be able to speak more Spanish than me!!

Ryan can because his wife is “fluent” (although I’ve seen how bad her English is - which is her first language - so I imagine her Spanish is also… clunky). Fine, fair enough. Sean, apparently, has more Spanish knowledge than me just because he loves Latinas (felt). I’m not entirely sure how many he has dated but I know we matched because he assumed I was Latina. Which I get quite frequently tbh, being ambiguously brown. In fact, I’ve leaned into it with some of my clients before, calling them Papí and pretending to be whatever they want me to be while their hands are around their dicks. If it gets you going dude, awesome. Mientras me pagues.

I’ve encouraged Sean to seek out a cute Latina for himself and if she happens to be bi… maybe we could have a threesome? Admittedly I’m not going to share any girl I pull him with. First right of refusal is Dakota, of course, and then Ryan. But if Sean wants to share with me then awesome.

If any anonymous redditors out there want to help me practice Spanish, let me know. I’ll be less nervous than when I’m face to face with a pretty girl. And if you’re lucky, as a thank you, I’ll share clips of me with a latina the next time I bag one.