Never Wait on a Man

If there’s one lesson that was drilled into my head repeatedly from ages 18-25 it was to never, ever wait on a man for anything. He’s “not ready for a relationship?” Sis leave him. Expeditiously. He “wants to spend his life with you but isn’t ready for marriage yet.” Go find a man that is!!

This exact issue is the sole cause of all of mine & Dakota’s relationship problems. It has shown itself in various forms over the years, but it always comes down to me waiting on him to be ready for the next step in our relationship. This became such an issue I had to start telling myself not to wait for him anymore, for anything.

I’d want to go on a walk after dinner, but he’s the slowest fucking eater in the world so waiting for him to finish it would get too dark before we could go. So now I just go on a walk by myself. And that sounds so petty and small, but when things like this would happen it would be reminders of the big things he made me wait years for and I’d end up starting a fight for what he perceives as no reason; all he was doing was eating.

So I don’t wait. Whether it’s to go on a walk, to go out for drinks, to do any of our home renovations. Doing the laundry, even though that’s his chore, but when the dress I wore three weeks ago still isn’t clean and I have to change my outfit plan and I end up flipping shit and yelling… anyway. I just do it. Why wait?

So knowing this is the lesson I was meant to learn, there’s a lot of cognitive dissonance I’m dealing with while debating to wait for my ex-boyfriend to get divorced. At first, I didn’t wait at all. I hopped right onto dating apps and into dates, wholly unhealed. But that was kind of the idea. I wanted to be distracted. The best way to get over one guy is to get under another, am I right?

But each of these men were either terrible, or they were fine. And… fine is… well it’s fine but it’s not love. It’s not what I had. I wanted my ex.

I guess I should back up and give some context since you probably haven’t read my 8 part series on this. To make this long story as short as possible, I was dating a man in an open marriage but his wife made him close the relationship when she got jealous. But it turns out she’s a terrible wife, mother, really just a terrible person, so her making him break up with me just to immediately turn around and cheat on him was the straw that broke the camel’s back and he’s (supposedly) leaving her.

But it feels like the universe has been giving me sign after sign to not believe it until it’s official. I’ve seen three or four stories pop up in the last month since we broke up that talk about a woman waiting years for a man to leave his wife. And I can’t do that. I can’t be that stupid.

Instead of hopping into dates right away or waiting for him, there’s a third option that might be obvious to everyone else: take some time to heal before dating again. While Dakota would obviously let me do this and be unlocked for the time being, I know that he wants us to keep up the whole chastity thing. And I just can’t unless I’m getting dick from somewhere. I’m simple really, I need good food, sun, and dick. These are non-negotiables. Plus, keeping him locked up and having someone else to fuck is better for content creation.

Yet I can’t shake the guilt that comes with fucking someone new. Because if my ex comes back into my life, he’ll be hurt I did. On top of that I feel bad leading someone on knowing I’d dump them immediately if my ex comes back. Maybe I’m overthinking that aspect, considering they all know I’m married anyway they aren’t expecting a huge, long term commitment from me. But still. I don’t want to be a piece of shit.

Another question I have for myself is whether I even can “heal” without dating. Or will my entire “healing” phase actually just be me waiting? Will it be me holding out on dating and just hoping he gets his shit together soon so I don’t have to talk to these other men? Probably. But what are my options right now? We simply can’t get back together at the moment so I either keep dating and thinking about him the whole time I’m doing it, or I stop dating and keep thinking about him the whole time I’m not doing it.

I need to figure out a plan because Locktober is soon! And dildos just don’t cut it for me, I like the real thing.