Unsexy

Sans my first four days postpartum, I have been sexy everyday since I was fifteen. I’m allowed to say that, you’re not. Pervert. Anyway, I look good and I know that. That doesn’t mean I always feel sexy though.

Particularly this past week or so. It’s hard to make sexy content when I don’t feel sexy. The overwhelming feeling I’ve had is anxiety. As I’ve said, this isn’t a political blog, so I won’t get into all of that. But I’ve felt anxious and angry and helpless. Not sexy.

Besides having trouble making OF content, I’ve also had trouble writing. I have two half-written posts currently sitting in my drafts. Which is crazy, because I slept with a woman for the first time in several months recently. You’d think I’d have plenty to say about that but… I’m just not feeling it.

This might gross you out but if you’re someone that’s seen my vagina then you can deal with hearing about it. I’m on my period. That also makes me feel quite unsexy. Particularly because I’m a tampon girl but I recently learned tampons have heavy metals in them. So now I use pads which I fucking hate. Sitting in my own blood has raised my baseline level of anger. And I can’t make sexy masturbation videos with blood everywhere. 

Maybe, deep down, I don’t want to feel sexy. Sean has been extremely busy lately. Which I do think is true…but I also think I’m less of a priority for him now after I’ve made it clear I’m not trying to get all into mushy gushy feelings. I’m not going to see Ryan for several weeks and I think being horny all the time will only make me miss him more. Of course I have Dakota, but he only seems interested in sex when he’s locked up, which is… confusing and contradictory.

How exactly should I be a sex worker when I don’t feel sexy? Guess I’ll have to figure it out.