Vulnerability

I hate that I can’t write whatever I want anymore. I’d like to think Sara from An Accidental Love Story is done snooping on my blog, but I doubt it. As she obviously knows, I’ve kept in contact with Ryan. But I can’t share anything about our conversations here. I’m worried even the most innocent of details she will try to use against him in some way.

I can’t talk about my future plans because I genuinely think she’s pathetic enough to continue to try to interfere with my life. 

But most of all, I don’t feel like I can be vulnerable. This is a woman that hates me and the thought of her seeing any sadness or anxiety in my life makes me sick. I have taken her side many times when talking with her husband. I have tried my best to limit the pain she feels. I told him to do something nice for Valentine’s Day if they were going to try to rekindle. I told him to still treat her well on Mother’s Day even though they’d already separated (only for her to fuck over his Father’s Day). I told him to spend time together as a family for Christmas rather than having their kid split time. I didn’t let him cheat on her in the first place. He honestly would’ve been justified to, since she’s been doing it for 14 years. But I couldn’t do that to her even though she deserved it. I could’ve just let him have an ongoing affair, maybe she would have preferred that, just pretending they still had a happy family. “Still”… lol. They never did. He’s actually told me that. He was never really happy. Just always hoping he eventually would be.

She, on the other hand, has gone out of her way to bring pain into my life. Do you know how evil you have to be to purposely cause stress and heartbreak for a pregnant woman? She ripped off the necklace that symbolized my years of fertility treatments and traumatic birth that literally almost killed me. She tried to throw me over the railing down 10’ onto concrete below while I was freshly postpartum from said traumatic birth. Which like… I want to point out could’ve actually killed me or at least paralyzed me. What the fuck?

So the idea of this sadistic cunt getting to see my pain is unacceptable. I cannot stomach my vulnerability being on display to her. My Reddit content is about sex but this blog is about much more. It’s about relationships and love and the strain that comes with those. I want to talk about the hard discussions Dakota and I have. I want to talk about the jealousy and longing and etc Ryan & I have felt while apart. I want to talk about my attraction to men with avoidant attachment styles and how fucking annoying it is!!

Eventually I won’t care. I think about her less and less with each passing day. And when I do think about her I no longer feel a white hot anger regarding the way she treated Ryan whom I love so deeply. There was such rage and resentment at the pain she caused him for so long. Now it feels more like fatigue. But for now, even though I do think about her less, she comes to mind every time I open my computer to write a post. Maybe I just let her have this win. Maybe I allow the consolation prize of seeing some of my pain, knowing Ryan loves me more than he ever loved her. Perhaps she’s earned that much.