Waiting Game

Life is approximately 4000 weeks. I recently saw someone describe its brevity like that and it felt like a gut punch. It was 54 weeks ago that Ryan decided to finally leave his cheating whore of a wife. After putting up with her being a genuinely horrible person for over 700 weeks.

Well, supposedly that’s when he decided. But the truth is he wavered a lot. I don’t think he truly decided until another five months later. For five months he told me he was getting everything in order to leave. And it turns out in those five months he accomplished nothing. Not filling out paperwork. Not hiring a lawyer. Not moving out. Not even setting up a separate bank account so that he could accomplish any of those things. Seemingly that whole time I was waiting for him to leave she was also waiting for him to forgive her and move on like he had over and over and over and over the previous 14 years. He hadn’t even bothered to make clear to her it was actually irreparable. Like I said… I’m not sure he’d actually decided it was.

Turns out being so clumsy with her whore-ness that everyone at his job found out was probably actually the final straw, but that’s a story for another time.

Then 2 months went by that we didn’t see each other. Two months for him to move out. I was excited to see him again, I felt like he was finally actually getting in gear and making changes. But I was wrong. Complacency immediately took over again. About a month after he moved out I asked when he was going to file and he said he’d do it after his two month business trip he had coming up. So I waited four months for him to leave and two months for him to return.

I slowly grew more annoyed. Okay, they had a routine with their kid, things seemed calm, and there was still a couple months before he left… Why not just do it? But no. He returns soon and said he figured she’d given up at this point. Maybe she wouldn’t fight it. But apparently the next day she asked what the plan was going to be when he got back. His lease is up soon and she was hoping he’d move back in.

Oh.

The fact she even thinks that’s on the table makes me question a lot. I know she’s been delusional the whole time but come on… Thinking she could just outlast him means he has not been clear enough with her that it’s really truly for real over. So maybe it isn’t.

For 54 weeks (and counting) he’s been dicking both of us around. A woman he supposedly loved for over a decade, and a woman he supposedly loves more than the woman he’s loved for over a decade. Lol. Are either of those things true? A long long time ago it stopped being about “winning.” She’s not competition to me in literally any regard. It was me genuinely caring about this man and wanting his life to not be miserable. I’ve told him time and time again he should find someone that’s not me.

God, that message broke my heart when I read it. I couldn’t imagine feeling that way about my spouse. That they’re someone who doesn’t care about me. So I’ve wanted him to be in a healthier environment than that but I’m not convinced he wants that for himself.

I don’t care that he’s wasted so much of his time. I’m pissed he’s wasted so much of mine. And somehow, despite the fact I fucking hate this woman, I feel a little bad that he’s wasted so much of her time too. I know the pain I’ve felt through this process, I can’t even imagine this being dragged out over the man I’ve spent my entire adult life with. The man I made a family with. She deserved to have her heartbroken and her world shattered but like bro, get it over with!

I’m just in a bad mood and venting a little. I’ve patiently waited because my heart wants to believe he’s a good guy and not a total dick. But that’s yet to be determined.