Compersion

It’s not a common word. When I googled the definition for this post it showed me search results for “define comparison” instead. As I type this it keeps populating that squiggly underline to tell me I spelled “compression” wrong. But it is a word. And as soon as I learned the word compersion it made me have a much better understanding of polyamory. Compersion, in my opinion, is an essential part of the entire open relationship experience.

You see, with Dakota it wasn’t just a turn on to see him with other women. That was obviously the main draw, me being a bit of a cuck. And also the opportunity as a bisexual to have threesomes. But shortly into our open relationship I learned that I liked that it made Dakota feel good. I liked the confidence he got when women flirted with him. I liked that it gave him something I couldn’t. I didn’t feel slighted by it, we all know that new, blossoming relationships are different than stable, long term ones. I want to be his stable and long term partner. But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t deserve that new, exciting energy too.

But the longer we’ve done this the more obvious it has become to me that Dakota does not feel compersion. At best, when you negate the kink stuff, he feels apathy. And I guess that shouldn’t surprise me, but it does disappoint me.

I truly believe Dakota is nearly aromantic. After years he finally learned to love me (something that definitely hasn’t made me question my self worth or anything). And I am the only woman he’s ever loved romantically. I would say the number of people he loves in any capacity is much smaller than normal. But maybe my perception is skewed because I am a very lovey person. Maybe I’m the weird one. Personally, I think both things are true. I think we are on opposite ends of the spectrum where most people are in the middle.

The point being emotions are not his strong suit. I knew and accepted that before I married him. It’s okay, I’ve learned to live with it.

To me, being loved by someone lovey-er than him feels so good. It makes me feel loved and makes me more lovey. And to me, there is no downside. I am more affectionate towards him as well when I feel that way. I am happier and more in love with everyone. The collective bucket of love grows.

But to him I guess it is not a positive. My happiness is supposed to come from him. And maybe that’s because his comes from me. Maybe if he could love someone else he would get it. 

For a while I thought our differences were kind of cute. I loved everyone, but I loved him the most. He loved no one, except for me. And that was the reason we could do this. The reason we knew we would last through other secondary relationships. But I'm starting to think an open relationship isn’t an option for us anymore. And coming to terms with that has been difficult. How do I go back to monogamy after 9 years? Especially considering I know now I was never a monogamous person even when I was in monogamous relationships, the same way I wasn’t straight even in hetero relationships.

I look back at my middle school days, reading Twilight and not understanding why Bella had to choose. If they both knew she loved them both, why couldn’t they just agree to share? But that’s not how the world works, and that was the answer I accepted for many years. But it can work that way. It’s so easy. Why must everyone make it harder than it is?

Because they are, fundamentally, not polyamorous. Their brains don’t work the way mine does. They don’t feel compersion. I feel sad for those that don’t feel it. But I also feel sad for myself, realizing I’ll probably never feel it again.