of course it’s you.

Dwayne sat on my couch as we cuddled and watched a movie. His phone was charging on the end table.

“What time is it?”

I lean over and tap his screen on. Oh.

“That’s me,” I whisper.

“Huh?”

I hold up the phone, still attached to the charger. “That’s me.”

Confusion flashes across his face. I realize I’m holding up a picture of him and his mom that’s his screensaver. Obviously not me. I point to the small text in the top corner of the screen. “That’s my phone number.”

I had seen it before. The “IF FOUND CALL — ” text. The phone number wasn’t one I recognized and I hadn’t particularly cared to ask about it. But now it was mine.

“Yeah?”

I smiled, and he chuckled at my reaction. “What?” He asked, putting a hand to my face and stroking my cheek lightly with his thumb.

“Is that weird? That it makes me happy? That’s me.”

“Of course it’s you.”

I felt that in my stomach. It felt so good. I caught myself, I shouldn’t over-romanticize. Since he’s not from here and all his family is in another country, it did make sense for it to be me. He didn’t really have friends, since shortly after moving here he just sort of fell into the friend group of his ex. After they broke up he’s been pretty alone, besides me.

But still, the way he said it felt good.

I won’t say I love Dwayne. I think I’m still very much in the crush phase. And, unfortunately, I don’t think I’m fully over my ex yet. We were together nearly 2 years. We’d already planned a date at the bar we’d met at on the second anniversary of our first date. I planned on getting another NA beer, sitting there in the same spot pregnant again two years later.

While Dwayne had been a nice distraction, I couldn’t tell exactly how much of my positive feelings for him were because he was a distraction. Nonetheless, I enjoyed his company and I cared about him. And hearing, “of course it’s you,” let me know that he knew I cared about him. I liked that. It seemed like he was pretty used to being lonely, even when he was with his last girlfriend.

I have encouraged Dwayne to date other people so he doesn’t get too attached. I can’t handle that again. The whole being-married-with-another-partner thing is a lot easier when the other person also has another partner. But he doesn’t seem terrible interested. I recently went through his Hinge matches with him and there were some very pretty girls that he simply stopped responding to. He’s “not motivated” to find someone else.

It’s part of why I’ve withheld sex. I only see this problem progressing if we take another step. We can just be flirty friends while he dates around for a real relationship.

But do flirty friends set each other as emergency contacts (oh yeah, after this he mentioned setting me as his emergency contact at work too) or list each other’s numbers on their lost phones? Or is this already something deeper anyway? Maybe I’m just not capable of shallow.